FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
FOR THOSE THAT DON'T, IT IS STILL A TRUE STORY.
The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes on the floor with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not mean that it is suddenly your food, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed for Formula 1 and is not a racetrack.
Racing me to the top of the stairs is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space that you are taking up, is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom!
If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door.
I must exit through the same door I entered.
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is:
Kiss me first, and then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.
I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) Eat less,
(2) Don’t ask for money all the time,
(3) Are easier to train,
(4) Normally come when called,
(5) Never ask to drive the car,
(6) Don’t hang out with drug-using people;
(7) Don’t smoke or drink,
(8) Don’t want to wear your clothes,
(9) Don’t have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) Don’t need a gazillion pounds for college
(11) If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
My personal note:
My dog will continue to sleep on my bed, not the floor, it isn’t comfortable to sleep on the floor; I wouldn’t sleep on the floor, why would I make him? I don’t mind a little bit of dog hair, he brings me more joy then I can even begin to explain, a little dog hair is well worth the price. He can be difficult at times, but he so can I, and I’m guessing, so can you. And, he loves me no matter what, which isn’t the case with most people. He is ALWAYS excited to see me, every time I leave the house and return I am greeted as though I have been gone for months. It’s nice to be so loved. I can put up with his difficult behavior and idiosyncrasies. If you don’t like it, tough. He’s staying.
To those of you who don’t like animals, I don’t understand you. I’m not trying to be mean, but I find it incredibly confusing when people don’t like animals. I’m not saying you have to love all animals, or even like all animals. I have friends who don’t like cats, others who aren’t in to dogs, some who are terrified of birds. But, they don’t dislike all animals. A dog or a cat will give you unconditional love and, in my opinion, can only improve your life. And know this, coming to my house or my parents’ house means not only dealing with my dog, but being nice to him.
And if you hate animals (hate is different than not liking), well, they probably don’t like you either. And, I’m going to be honest, we’ll probably not be friends, because I love Love LOVE my dog.