Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I am a robot.

I barely ever cry.  I don't know why this is.  But, its true, crying does not come easily to me.  When things are sad, you probably won't get even one single tear out of me.  It's a little odd, I used to cry at everything - movies, tv shows, even commercials.  Anytime something was even a little sad I would cry.  I don't know what changed, but now, I'm not a crier.

Well, that's not entirely true... I do cry sometimes.  Usually the only time that I cry is when I get really frustrated or really angry.  Somehow in those moments I get the water works.  I don't cry a crazy amount even then, but I do shed tears, and get puffy eyes that wind up being painful for a couple of days.  It's not good.  Usually in those moments when I'm kind of angry/frustrated is when I really want to be taken seriously.  This does not go well when I start tearing up.  I usually don't full on cry in these moments, but get teary eyed with a wavering voice.  Occassionally when I get REALLY angry I do wind up breaking down in full on tears.

I cried once at work last week because I was so frustrated and agry.  And, I almost cried a second time, at work, in a meeting with my boss, because I was again, incredibly frustrated and angry.  I HATE it when this happens.  I don't want to be seen as a little girl who can't handle a difficult situation, which I'm afraid is how I look when this happens.

I think the last time I really cried when I was sad was when Hal died, which will be three years ago this summer.  Probably not a coincidence.  I'm sure it's related, and I don't know what the deal is exactly.  I'm sure I could talk to my shrink about it, and the tears would probably start again, but I'm just going to let it go for now, it's not affecting me negatively and I think it's just a phase.  It's just where I am in my life.  I suspect that at some point in the future that will change.  We'll see. 

For now, I remain a robot, tearless.